Zoosklog – Online Dating Blog by Zoosk

by Anne B

I heard a relationship guru on YouTube the other day saying that one of the biggest downfalls when going into a relationship is focusing on what you can gain from it, rather than what you can give to it. Although I’m not sure I would have paid to see this gentlemen live, I do wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

As I thought about this approach I wondered how it could come to terms with the concept of a soul mate. If you think about what it means to have a soul mate, it implies that there is an ideal out there who is the perfect complement to yourself. Your soul mate is supposed to be the key to your lock, the enzyme to your substrate, the sparkle to your disco ball. A soul mate is someone who provides unfailing support, emphasizes your strengths, and acts as the perfect buffer to all of your weaknesses.

We are subconsciously driven by society to have it all. You’ve got to have a great sex life, a beautiful family, fitting careers and social lives. Finding your soul mate truly is a manifest destiny of relationships to which many of us believe we are entitled. And shouldn’t you have high expectations? Nobody wants “good enough.” Why should they? The thought of devoting yourself to a partner who meets /some/ of the criteria of your perfect match is disheartening and not exactly great motivation to head to your local watering hole and woo Mr. or Miss Right. If you find yourself chronically dismissing the possibility of a deeper relationship with the people you date because he or she is not “the one,” stop for a second and re-evaluate. Note: I am not encouraging anyone to lower the bar of their standards. Could your expectations be impossibly high or maybe even skewed? Are you expecting to be loved perfectly by a storybook ideal?

I have a very small confession to make. Part of my motivation for writing on the subject of soul mates stems from Disney’s new release of the Princess and the Frog. Before you say “Disney ugh!” and stop reading, let me explain. I haven’t seen the movie but I was reminded of the saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” This counsel is meant to pacify the cries of women (although men are subject to this too) who bounce from one suitor to the next as they discover with each kiss that the person is in actuality a gross, slimy frog. Frogs are not sexy, have little conversation skills, and we could be really extreme and postulate that some frogs are not only slimy but poisonous too. Hold out, don’t settle for the frogs, and eventually you’ll score a diamond in the rough, your prince charming. Que the lights and voila you’ve got “happily ever after” ladies and gentlemen.

If you look at the original story of the frog prince by the brothers Grimm, the frog’s only request was that the princess (who they portray as pretty spoiled and self absorbed) love him and make him a part of her life and home. The frog, actually a prince under a spell, is not transformed into the suave prince that he really is until she violently throws him against the wall out of disgust.

The moral of the original story is that the frog’s character was what already made him the perfect catch for the princess. Perhaps this princess had a distorted and unhealthy expectation of what the image of her prince should be, and maybe if she would have allowed herself to be totally captivated by just a frog she would have realized she had her prince all along. Fortunately for the princess, in spite of her throwing him against the wall, she and the prince, formally known as frog, end up getting together.

I recently read a quote in which the author said that “the north star guides us through variable and turbulent waters from far off shores. Although the star is never to be reached, it is valuable nonetheless.” This is the clearest illustration of my thoughts on soul mates that I have found. Identify your north star. This can only come from you getting to know your own soul. Ahem, need I say it? Ok, be your own soul’s mate. Identify your North Star by finding out what it is you need and want in a relationship by just developing yourself. When you know what you need. Pursue it. Realize that the journey in the direction of your north star is a critical one, and be happy knowing that now you have direction. But eventually you will need a destination, and that is something that no star can provide. That is where the myth of the elusive soul mate meets reality; it’s when you choose your destination. You stop chasing the North Star, you make yourself a home, and you weather the storm.

Weather the storm? Does that sound jaded and void of romance, because it really shouldn’t? I am not in pursuit of a soul mate. It’s true that I am not seeking sublime connection and completion by one unique individual, the perfect complement to my person. I’m open to the opportunity of finding someone who has a profound commitment to our lives together. I look for an optimistic and tenacious vision for our future together; a future in which we both have room to grow as two individuals, but two individuals walking down the same bumpy path. Any connection that we have to each other will not be a cosmic force that binds our souls, but a connection that we have fostered over years of faithfully showing love in spite of the ebbs and flows that come with relationships. It will be a connection built on a foundation of common core beliefs, values, and a desire to grow. It might mean that I have abandoned the search for the holy grail of relationships, but it also means when the relationship gets rough, which it will, I will recognize the imperfect humanity of it all and not be tortured by the lingering doubt of whether he is or isn’t “the one.” It doesn’t mean you lackadaisically settle for imperfection, but it does mean that you have a realistic understanding of your expectations as you continue to strive to do greater things for this person and your time together.

In 2001, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University took a national survey of 1,003 people ages 20 to 29 years old, 61 percent of whom had never married. The survey asked questions about their views on marriage and divorce.

* 94 percent of never-married singles said that ‘when you marry you
want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.”
* Less than half, 42 percent, of single young adults believe that it
is important to find a spouse who shares your core beliefs about
spirituality and even religion.

This survey shows that an overwhelming majority of people place a higher value on finding a soul mate than someone with shared values. As much as I believe that soul mate tunnel vision can be detrimental to the development of potentially valuable relationships, these figures show that most of us haven’t lost that desire for the intensity of magic and rapid connection. I can understand that desire, but for now instead of passively waiting for my soul mate to cross my path, I’m an advocate of living life a little more proactively. Dr. Alex Benzer’s philosophy says stop waiting for love to show up and instead show up as love.

By Anne B

Mathematicians know osculation as the contact of two curves at any given point. What few people know is that osculation also means the act of, or the very instance of exchanging a kiss.

Wait, really? This is information that should have been brought to my attention years ago in high school! Had I equated math with making out, I’m sure my interest in geometry would have gotten a sizable kick in the pants. Ok, enough about high school. That’s an era of life I will cherish fondly, but I don’t really need to relive it. Back to kissing! (more…)

“Baby, you’re like a student and I’m a math book. You solve all of my problems.” Unfortunately gentlemen, those cheesy and at times even nauseating pick up lines are usually associated with men rather than women, but I have never been a big a fan of gender roles so I’d like to help the ladies pick up some steam on approaching a man.

I’m about to disclose a vital piece of information that will come as no surprise, but should not be taken lightly: The beauty of men is they are pretty straightforward. Studies show that men like their pick up lines to be direct!  So don’t waste your time with subtleties. No more beating around the bush. You might have to put a little more out there, but by being direct you can be sure that your message won’t be lost in translation. As we all know men are from Mars and women are from Venus, so for our purposes we are going to unravel the mystery of how to effectively approach those martians that we all love so much. Did I say martians? I meant men.
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All it takes is one glance through the relationship section of any magazine to realize that relationships can be tough sometimes. It isn’t really a news flash that relationship roadblocks are inevitable, is it? So let’s step away from the magazine rack and stop memorizing the six simple steps for training your lover to be your dream lover.

Flip it around! Why is so much energy spent on focusing on the flaws of relationships and so little spent emphasizing their worth? Take some time to revel in the little things that make a relationship so rewarding! Zoosk’s prerogative is to introduce you to that one-and-only who will take you from “single and searching” to “happily in love,” because we believe in the value that a relationship has to offer.

Relationship experts all agree that an attitude of appreciation for a loved one can only make your bond grow stronger. It may seem like a strange phenomenon, but the more you take time to celebrate the positive in your relationship, you’ll find there are more and more positive things to actually celebrate. There really isn’t much in a relationship that we can control, but we can control our choice to focus on those moments that may seem ordinary, and by appreciating them they transform into extraordinary moments.  We know that when two people celebrate even the smallest pleasures, there is a deeper connection and a greater love. Who doesn’t want more love?

So we went to our community members for inspiration and asked them to make a big deal out of nothing, so to speak. We asked them to call out the little things they love about relationships and, in doing so, they truly brought the ordinary moments to life as extraordinary ones.

Warning: If you’re self conscious about your softer side, you might want to clear the room. I’m just saying, it’s possible that the following quotes will bring tears to your eyes.

Take a look at just a few of the little things our Zooskers believe should not be taken for granted:

• “I love when a guy brushes the hair out of your face, lightly strokes his hand down your face and tells you that he loves you.”

• “When we’re lying down in bed and I’m holding her in my arms, I love it when she grabs onto my hand and snuggles in tighter. You get to feel her body heat against my body. Smell the fragrance from her hair, and feel completely comfortable before you finally doze off. Not even the dreams you have once you fall asleep compare to that lil’ happiness you have right beforehand.”

• “Those moments of unexpected hugs or a quick twirl around the room as my favorite song is playing on the stereo”

• “Having someone to sit outside and share a cup of cocoa or a cold beer with after the chores are done and the kids are asleep..”

• “Eskimo kisses, when you rub your noses together. I love the ‘look.’ The look that means everything like, ‘God, I’m so happy your mine, and that I’m here with you now in this world at this very moment’”

• “I love it when he comes into a room full of people and me and he eyes me and walks quickly but nonchalantly to me and gives me a ‘hello, I have missed you so and am so glad to see you’ kiss. I love when he takes my hand and leads me safely through a crowed place.”

• “Going through my day not noticing any other girl, even if they are flirtatious. All that is on my mind is the one waiting for me to be back in her arms.”

• “The comfort of having someone there simply because they want to be there with and for you.”

• “The way that he wraps his arms around your waist when he goes in for a kiss and holds you tight. It just makes me want to stay there forever.”

• “The way my lips still tingle after a soft kiss, knowing that it’ll happen again soon.”

• “Sitting by a warm and cozy bonfire, watching the sunset while having my boyfriend’s hand in mine.”

• “When she comes up behind me and kisses my neck, runs her hands down my chest, and hugs me tight, being able to smell her in the process.”

• “Sometimes when I’m asleep before she gets home and she gets into bed, her waking me up. Instantly she is in my arms like she wanted to be there all day. As silly as it sounds, when I come up behind her and give her a light spank. Seeing her jump, squeal, laugh and then give me a look like, ‘I’m gonna get you for that.’”

• “When I get a special unscheduled lunch visit from the other half.”

• “I miss holding a woman while falling asleep. It makes me that much more relax knowing I have someone next to me and I have a need to protect someone.”

• “Acting silly with somebody that doesn’t judge you for it.”

• “Standing in the kitchen with my back to the room, doing dishes, cooking, or whatever and having him sneak up behind me, wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me against him and kissing the back of my neck.”

• “The softly whispered words, I love you, and knowing he really, really means it.”

• “I love waking up in the middle of the night next to him and asking him to hold me. Then when he pulls me into his arms I snuggle back down and go to sleep listening to his breathing. I love the touch.”

Sigh. That was better than watching Julia Roberts tell Hugh Grant that “she is just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” You know what movie I’m talking about.

Bottom line: Life is short. So love hard. By all means, please make a big deal out of nothing.

By Juliet O

Why spend your hard earned money on expensive dinners, theater tickets, and humongous bar tabs, when there are so many fun dating ideas that can be done for absolutely free? Here are 6 fun, free ways you can spoil your Zoosk honey — without spending a single dime.

Make like a romantic comedy and head for the park

Public parks are lovely places to go kick up some romance, especially during the fall now that the leaves are changing color and the air smells so lovely and crisp. Take your date over to your favorite park on a crisp autumn afternoon, put a blanket under a tree, and get to know each other over a thermos of hot chocolate that you’ve brought from home. Bonus points if you have a dog! Park + dog + date = so cute it could be a scene from a romantic comedy.

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