By Juliet O

The next time you find yourself heartsick and glum, please do yourself a favor and have a good cry. Your friends might tell you that he or she isn’t worth wasting tears over, but you’d probably yourself more harm to keep the tears in rather than just to let them out.

Crying may indicate, on the emotional level, that something is wrong. But did you know that the act of crying can actually be good for both your physical and emotional health? Conventional wisdom has stated for years that crying can be good for you, and recently, scientific research has also come to support that claim.

Human beings are the only living creatures who actually weep. While weeping is uncommon among the living species, the act of shedding tears is universal when it comes to the human experience. No person on Earth has not, at some point in their lives, cried. Babies are born crying and, from the time we’re born, we cry throughout our lives for a variety of reasons. We often find ourselves crying because of grief, pain, loss, stress. We cry at movies when something sad or sentimental happens on the big screen. Songs, books, and even newspaper articles can make people cry. That we can cry at not only our own sorrows but the sorrows of other people as well shows something quite amazing about the human ability to empathize and feel for our fellow creatures.

While tears are often associated with a feeling of sadness, we also cry out of happiness, pride, relief, and elation too. Looking back at some of the happiest and proudest moments of your life, did you feel your eyes dampen with emotion and that tight constricted feeling in your chest that indicates a wave of tears? I have definitely cried out of happiness, and it felt wonderful. In our lives there aren’t many things that happen that make us so joyous that we cry, so those moments and those tears seem extra special.

These aforementioned examples show how crying is emotionally good for you. Tears are a good indicator that your emotions are working and that you even have emotions in the first place. So how, you might wonder, is crying so good for our physical health as well?

Crying is scientifically proven to be good for your body because it releases stress hormones from the bloodstream. Prior to crying, your body’s levels of stress hormones is at a peak. We often cry because our bodies can’t physically handle all those stress hormones pumping through its system.

This is why we usually feel a pervasive sense of relief — what they call the calm after the storm — after a bout of tears. Compared to the heightened emotions that lead to tears, that relief feels soothing and wonderful. There is a scientific explanation for this. When we cry, we actually release stress hormones. Those hormones are regarded as toxic and bad for the body — high numbers of them can even cause brain and cellular damage — and when we cry, our tears contain large amounts of those hormones. In effect, we’re washing those hormones out of our bodies via our tear ducts. As more and more stress hormones get released, the calmer we feel: hence, that wonderful feeling of quietude one experiences after a good long cry.

I think we should promote a National Cry Day! With all the tax payer dollars spent on public health issues, particularly because of the high incidence of heart disease and high blood pressure (that scientists and doctors know are aggravated by things like stress and distress), don’t you think that a National Cry Day might be good for not just our bodies and our souls, but also society as a whole? Rather than telling yourself to keep a stiff upper lip, let yourself release the toxic and negative stress from your body and your mind.

photo credit: laradana

By Juliet O

Have you ever heard the phrase “I’m in love with the idea of being in love”? This phrase relates to a real phenomenon. Many of us, your author included, have at one time or another been in love with the idea of love.

It is actually quite easy to be seduced by a concept. And love is a seductive concept. Our literary and artistic culture is riddled with hyperbolic, overwrought, and unattainable descriptions of what love means. The way love is described in famous novels is so exaggerated, it becomes almost absurd. In Goethe’s famous novel, Sorrows of Young Werther, the main protagonist actually takes his own life because the woman he loves doesn’t love him back. When the novel was published in 1774, it inspired a wave of “Werther fever” as young men throughout Europe began dressing in the style of the main character as described in the book. This “Werther fever” even lead to many copycat suicides as readers actually took their own lives, like Werther did, when confronted with unrequited love. This example shows how susceptible we are to ideas of love, even when these ideas in no way resembles the real thing.

Love shouldn’t drive you to die. It should give you a reason to live. And yet if you were to read The Sorrows of Young Werther or Romeo and Juliet or Wuthering Heights, you’d think love and suffering were one and the same, that you couldn’t fully love someone without suffering great pain and loss. Even cinema reflects this strange comparison of love and suffering. Just look at movies like Titanic or Gone with the Wind or Moulin Rouge or Casablanca. Even though the two main characters in all these movies are separated by the film’s end, even though we’re deprived as an audience of a happy ending, we blissfully watch these movies and use them as actual examples of “true love”. Would these movies have been as romantic had the characters gotten together and lived happily ever after? I doubt it. I certainly wouldn’t have cried so hard at the end of Casablanca had Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman flown off together in a plane to get married and settle down. We love their story because it ends in loss.

These stories that we tell ourselves are beautiful and enjoyable, but it’s important to realize that they’re just stories. They’re a work of fiction that represent an idea that has little bearing in real life. Real love is far from the idea of love. Real love isn’t always exciting; it’s actually frequently boring. Unlike these dramatic stories and movies that operate by a series of ups and downs, high highs and low lows, mystery and intensity, unexpected twists and turns, the real thing is actually far from turbulent. Real love, the kind that sustains over time and contributes to ones life in a positive way, is actually really stable. And when you love someone, you don’t expect them to be like heroes or heroines in plays, movies, or novels. You accept them as real people with real personalities. People are not ideas, and if you like someone because they symbolize or represent something to you, you’re in for a disappointment. No one can live up to your ideas, because those ideas aren’t theirs but yours, and as such, when you love your ideas, you aren’t in love with anyone else; you’re actually in love with yourself. You’re in love with a figment of your own imagination.

So next time you tell someone that you like your guy because he reminds you of someone else or that your gal is great because she represents an attractive ideal, think long and hard about whether you’re actually in love or just infatuated with the idea of love. These things are distinct and highly incompatible, and to think they are one and the same is to accept a delusion that can only lead to disappointment.

Real love sustains and leads to happiness. So wouldn’t you rather go for the real thing?

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out our other articles on love:
When it comes to love, it’s worth a try
In love, remember to check your baggage at the door
How to talk to women 101
Online dating rule: take things slow

Photo credit: deardarling

By Anne B

Once upon a time a young woman in her early-mid twenties with stars in her eyes moved to a charming little city called San Francisco. Naturally when single and living in San Francisco with a cute little apartment, what better accessory to your lifestyle could you find than a scooter? Not just any scooter, a midnight blue Vespa, 200 cc’s, with a tan suede seat. She had dreams of sunny Saturday afternoon rides spent scooting across the Golden Gate Bridge. Sigh, all too picture perfect.

Then finally it happened. She got a parking ticket. Although her girl-meets-scooter experience was slightly tarnished and it set her back 70 dollars, she looked optimistically passed it. She focused on how amazing those new bomber leather Marc Jacob pumps would look riding her blue stallion.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that just around the corner she is in for another, and slightly more serious, setback. This time she’ll have an accident on a slippery rode and have to repair a broken rear view mirror. In spite of a few lingering scratches from the slip she will be fine, but her rattled nerves will make it just a little more difficult to rationalize eating noodles again for dinner in order to pay the insurance bill she’ll have to hand over to Geico on the first of the month.

Such is life. The tragic heroine of our story saw a beautiful Vespa and without knowing what was in store or considering the possible implications of her investment she threw herself whole heartedly into the decision she made. Although it may not have been the most practical of choices, and even poses potential danger, she was determined that it was the right fit for her. Shouldn’t loving it and having an intense desire to see it work out be enough?

Is it any different in our relationships? I’m not implying that a boyfriend or girlfriend is like a scooter, attractive yet functional accessories to life that have their hazards but can be a lot of fun to ride. Um, when you look at it that way, I guess I should clarify. I’m not saying that long-term boyfriends and girlfriends are like scooters. My point is, sometimes we don’t know what is good for us and we have to get hurt to find out. Loving someone might not always be enough, but at least you have loved.

We can be open to new relationships and maybe even make mistakes to recognize who the right fit is when he or she comes along. It hurt for our girl to realize that she might be more of a Volvo kinda girl when she just bought a Vespa. Even worse, it hurts to have your heart broken when you realize that the apple of your eye is just not going to be a part of your apple pie. But now you know, and it didn’t kill you. You can and will move on. Our heroine knows a little bit more about herself through the whole experience. Although it wasn’t what she needed, it was a great ride that taught her valuable lessons.

Many people have a list of qualities they are looking for, and are unwilling to see beyond the criteria they have set for a potential partner. You can’t compromise on values like honesty, loyalty, and trust; it doesn’t end well for either party involved. Values are one thing, but try to have an open mind with the nitty-gritty details. When you find yourself overlooking a great person simply because they might laugh like a hyena when you are at the movie theatre, maybe next time just watch the comedy at home? What if you are always reaching for cookie dough when, if you just gave it a chance, mint chocolate chip might really blow your taste buds away?

What truly makes an incredible experience is when we can let go and allow ourselves to love deeply. These are the experiences that set the course of our lives. Keep your eyes open for foolish choices and potential accidents. Just know that you’ll make mistakes, but you won’t make them twice.

Photo credit: gaioum

By Juliet O

You know in those beginning stages of getting to know someone (whether in real life or online) when you know you like this person but you’re trying to figure out if they like you? You don’t really know how they feel 100% (plus you’re shy) so you don’t really want to start talking about being “in a relationship”, plus you don’t know how to bring up the topic in the first place without being the weirdo who brings up the topic in the first place. Right? How existential and circular. I feel like I’m in a Charlie Kaufman screenplay. But seriously, how do you talk about relationships without talking about relationships? Specifically, how do you say things like “I want to be in a relationship with you but let’s talk about it” without sending out total creep or stalker or crazy person vibes?

Through my extensive first person research and years spent analyzing this very topic exactly, I know of some great methods for talking about relationships without talking about relationships. There are ways, as counterintuitive as it seems, to bring up the relationship chat without explicitly bringing it up. I suppose some people would view this as a failure of communication, but I think of it more as “communicating subtly” (i.e. self preservation). For the shy ones out there, here’s how you do it.

Talk about love, vaguely and generally.

What better way to segue into the relationship chat than to talk about love? Rather than being all “So what are we?” you can simply talk about your feelings and hopes and desires. This is an ingenious way to talk about a potential relationship, because you can give very concrete and specific opinions you have on love and then ask for affirmation or denial. If you get affirmation, great, perhaps you have more courage now to move forward and explicitly state your wants. If you get denied, then you know that you should probably stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and move on. Like? “They say that the moment you meet someone you realize you could love, you know it. Do you agree?” Hint.

Bring up a scenario in a movie/novel/play/music video that mirrors your situation.

There are millions of instances in popular culture where this very emotional conundrum appears. Uncertain love is everywhere, so find a situation that sort of mirrors your own and bring it up and see what your person has to say. For instance, if I was totally in love with my friend but he didn’t realize it, I’d bring up the movie Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) and say something to the effect of, “I feel sort of like Mary Stuart Masterson’s character in that movie.” And then I’d look at my guy and see if he starts shying away uncomfortably or if he looks into my eyes and tells me that he wants to be with me forever.

Make your person listen to a really romantic love song, inch closer to them, and see how they respond.

This one works every time. So you are feeling crazy romantic toward someone but you’re sort of getting mixed signals and you want to see once and for all if they’re into you that way or just want to be friends? Pop a love song (something super cheesy like “True” by Spandau Ballet) while you’re alone together, sitting on the couch maybe, and then move closer to them and see what happens. Maybe you should make an entire playlist in case things start going really, really well. If they’re not into you, they’ll get awkward and move away. If they’re into you, they’ll put up with your advances, and then who knows what will happen.

Talk about past relationships, but not in a nostalgic way.

If you really want this thing you have with someone to turn into a relationship, another way to bring up the relationship chat is to talk about past relationships. Talk about how your relationships developed, how you knew it was love, what you did in the beginning of that relationship when things were uncertain, and then cautiously move the conversation toward your situation with this new person. Again, if they’re not having it, they’ll change the subject and you can move on with your life. If they start talking to you about their relationships in return, this is perfect timing to bridge the topic of the possibility of a new relationship, between the two of you.

Talk about how you want to avoid dating people who aren’t on the same page as you.

If none of the above approaches sound like they’ll work for you (like if your person is totally dense and doesn’t respond well to hints), then maybe you need to be more direct. How can you be more direct without being entirely direct? Why not just bring up how you hate people who string you along or lead you on and then look at them accusingly? This approach might not work for everyone, but it’s sure to bring the skeletons tumbling out of the closer if your person is really, in fact, leading you on. Who, if they are leading someone on, can stand there innocently as someone is essentially going off on people who lead people on, and then staring accusingly?

I hope these tips help. Obviously the best advice is just to be direct, but I understand that it’s not always easy and sometimes we need a temporary crutch before we go back to being the honest, earnest people we are.

Photo credit: zabara_tango

Mashable’s 3rd Annual OpenWeb Awards are open for user submitted nominations and votes. Last year, Zoosk won an OpenWeb Award for Best Dating and Romance site. This year, Dating and Romance is no longer a category, so Zoosk is up for overall Best Facebook Application! We’re excited for the opportunity to win this category, so help us out with your nominations and we will love you forever (and ever and ever).

How do you nominate Zoosk for Best Facebook Application? Simply go to the Best Facebook Application nomination landing page. Make sure you are logged into Mashable via your Facebook username and password (to vote, you must log in via Facebook Connect). Once you’re on the nominations landing page, type “Zoosk” into the field for “Best Facebook App”. Then hit “Submit”. You’re done. Beautiful.

Nominate us, and then tell your friends to nominate us. We love you dearly. Please love us back?

By Juliet O

If you let it out of its cage, jealousy is the green-eyed monster that can and does cause irreparable damage to your relationship. A little bit of jealousy can be cute and even healthy. You should care if you see your partner flirting with someone else at a bar, but you shouldn’t get into a bar fight. But when it rages out of control, jealousy can damage your relationship with your partner, your friends, your family, and worst of all, yourself.

Fundamentally, jealousy is an insecurity: an inability to trust another person to be truthful to you. At its heart, jealousy stems from a lack of trust. Because jealous people don’t trust that their partners will act honestly, they attempt to coerce their partners with controlling, manipulative, and angry emotions. Nobody enjoys being manipulated or controlled, so often times, jealous behavior has the opposite effect than the one it intended: you end up pushing people away.

It makes sense that the closer you get to someone the more susceptible your relationship might be to issues of jealousy. The closer you get to someone, the more vulnerable you get and the more you have to lose if this person steps out of your life. As you fall in love, you are letting your defenses down and opening yourself up to be hurt by someone. But love means that you have to trust that the other person won’t hurt you and won’t break your heart. If they love you, they won’t. If they love you, they’re also opening themselves to that same level of vulnerability. While the stakes get higher, you and your partner are both on the same team. But jealousy assumes that both parties aren’t on the same team, that there’s a power dynamic, that one person stands to win if the other person loses. This is no way to love. Jealousy is unhealthy and destructive. It is everything that love is not.

How can we control jealousy in relationships? How can we live free of jealousy, let go of our insecurities, and love openly? I posed this question to our Zoosk Community, and the responses I received were thoughtful, accurate, and full of wisdom and truth. If you need advice on how to control your jealousy, look no further than these tidbits of wisdom from our Zooskers:

“Jealousy does stem from insecurity. I think it’s more about how we act when we feel jealous that matters than the idea of trying NOT to be jealous. It’s been my experience that the more we try to NOT feel one way or another. It’s a hard balance to walk, but I think we just need to learn to recognize it when we feel jealous and to keep it at a reasonable level. I also think it’s critical to talk with your significant other when things make you feel jealous. To explain (in a non-confrontational manner) that you feel jealous and explain why you feel that way. Make it clearly understood (if the behavior the jealousy stemmed from was reasonable) that you’re not wanting them to change the behavior but simply sharing your reaction to it so they understand where you’re coming from.” -SemperTry

“I don’t like being jealous, and I am working on it as well. If someone breaks that trust with me, then I do not know what I will do. I have a hard time trusting people. My last relationship, I was jealous and was possessive and controlling. I do not want to be that same person if I were to be with somebody else. It is a horrible feeling to be jealous and have insecurities. Everybody has insecurities but it’s up to you to control them, and establish that trust and do not break it.  I feel if I continue to grow as a better person for myself, and feel good about it, then it would maybe work out better in my relationships. Again, trust is a huge deal.” -Reana

“I think that jealousy is normal to a point, then it grows irrational. If you are going to be in a healthy relationship, there needs to be a measure of trust. Both people need to be able to go out with their friends, both male and female, and just do their own thing. Then it makes it that much more exciting to see the other person later on. You get to tell each other the stories of what you both did. And you don’t have to go separate ways all the time. Going out together with friends is good, too. Just not good every single time.” -Artsydoodlebug88

“Jealousy can manifest even if there is not a lack of trust or no insecurity involved. I myself have felt that form of jealousy. I don’t know if you can have a love relationship and never feel any type of jealousy. It sounds strong and noble to say you are not a jealous person and feel no jealousy for any reason, but personally I would have to question the deepness of my woman’s love for me if I flirted around and showered other girls with attention while not showing my woman an equal amount of attention at least, and she didn’t feel a scrap of jealousy that her man gave more attention to other women than to her.” -Voice Guy

“I think jealousy is a human feeling that should be one of the seven deadliest. Furthermore I think jealousy stems from someone having the ability to cheat on their partner their selves. Or perhaps they do not have a fair amount of self esteem or confidence. Meaning if someone is doing something I do not like as in a behavior I probably have that behavior myself. I may be to a greater or lesser degree but it is there. So, it is my belief when someone is jealous they cannot be trusted themselves. I hold to the belief that the more mature a person gets and the more secure they are in themselves they will lose the penchant to exhibit jealous tendencies.” -Chefboy

It seems that Zooskers agree that jealousy is a negative force on relationships and has the power to destroy them completely. Our Zooskers also agree that jealousy stems from insecurity and lack of trust. Rather than controlling people with jealous behavior, we should all try to be more mindful of our own issues. Treat jealousy at its source. Look into your own mind and ask yourself where your insecurities come from. Recognize that your jealousy has more to do with your insecurities than it does with your partner’s behavior. The path to overcoming jealousy is inside you and no one else!

Photo credit: Nifty

By Juliet O

Why do we search for love? I might as well ask you why the sun shines or why water is wet. We don’t always know why we search for love; we just do it. Perhaps the only answer to such a complex question is simply “because.” Most of us hope that one day we will find someone we love who will love us back, with whom we can grow with in an affectionate, positive relationship of the sort that fairy tales describe as “happily ever after”. We don’t really question why. We feel an almost subconscious drive, and in our search most of us encounter a lot of false alarms, dead ends, and failures before finding the person who makes all our struggles worth the effort.

I recently posed to our Zoosk community a question, “Why do you search for love? What are your personal reasons for continuing along the path towards relationship fulfillment?” The answers I received were a surprising and poignant study on the depths of the human heart. It seems that our community is a romantic bunch, and they’re looking for love because, in the words of one Zoosker, “I am looking for hope.” Here’s what some of our other Zooskers had to say. Get out your Kleenex.

“My life would not be as happy without love, and I know I need some kind of romantic love and intimacy to feel content, but other than that, I suppose I search because someday, I hope to really find the puzzle piece that I have yet to grasp my fingers around!” -Carly

“I myself am fine being alone but it’s instinctual to want to connect. Humans by nature are communal. Most of us just want to connect with others. We want to share our lives with someone because it brings purpose for our being.” -Brian

“Looking for love is more about finding someone worth sharing all of these wonderful and beautiful things in life with at a level that friends just can’t. Not to mention there’s nothing like coming home to the open arms of someone special when you think you’ve had more than you can take.” -Shannon

“‘I’m looking because life is too short to waste away. It’s best shared with someone special who fills in the gaps. Someone to share the little things and big things with. Someone to laugh and joke around with… someone who will for no reason smile and out of the blue rock your world just because it feels good. Someone to be himself and you be yourself. What more can you ask for??? Love is special and should be shared with that someone.” -Angelina_Ace95

“I’m looking for love because I want that special connection. I want to be some gal’s man and for her to be my gal.” -Jason

“My reasons are to have someone to connect with, especially emotionally and mentally. I do not think you can find that in this world a lot, but it’s rare also. I definitely miss every little thing about being in a serious relationship, the hugs and kisses, the falling asleep together, being your natural self around someone totally different from you, it’s an amazing feeling. The main thing is I want to have someone that I can be myself completely, and we both can receive what we want from the other person equally and respectfully. I want to be in love, that real love.” -Reana

“My reasons? In some way I’m not entirely sure… I guess it’s for that feeling of warmth of having another person around. I guess love to me is what happiness is. To see the one you love’s smile once more, there is nothing more wonderful than that. I would do anything, to have that feeling again. That is my reason to be here. In the hope of finding someone who would smile everyday for me.” -fight_for_freedom_12

“Taking a drive to admire fall color, or Christmas lights, or what have you without someone is just really not worth the bother. Cuddling is simply impossible without someone to share it with, I’ve had nobody to give a foot rub to since she left and it’s driving me nuts. I also miss having somebody around whose back needs scratching. Not having an outlet for this stuff is much harder than I anticipated, nobody to send camera phone pics of flowers or blue sky, nobody to share the little details of our days. It’s enough to make a guy take up blogging even if nobody reads it just to get it out!” -rollerdave

“Loneliness would have to be the most heartbreaking experience one can go through. I believe that it is a very slow and painful death. The desire to share and connect with another is intense. Essentially the longing to share a meal, conversation, laugh, drink, cuddle…perhaps more is a drive that rages in the pit of out subconscious whether we like it or not.” -pip_squeak

“Looking for my other half gives me insight into people, them and myself. It lets me see the bright and dark side of so many people, the grey areas and how they all tie together and work. In an odd way, it helps me see how bad habits or bad intentions can be used for good things.” -S H

“I have always dreamed of making a family, being a father, being a husband, etc. It’s been one of my long term goals since I was sixteen years old. I was never one for ‘casual flings’. That sort of thing always seemed like a waste of time, energy and emotion to me.” -Jes

“I look for love because its just one of those beautiful things you can’t replicate. You can’t force it and you can’t do it alone.” -Lascial

Everyone searches for love for different reasons. Some of us don’t want to be alone. Some of us want someone to share our experiences with. Some of us like the security of having someone there who will stand by us no matter what. Regardless of our reasons, the drive or desire for love is something that is innate to the human experience and is as complicated as the emotion of love itself.

Photo credit: aussiegall

By Juliet Ohai

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the word earnest as:  “a serious and intent mental state”. What does earnestness mean in connection to our personal relationships? We can view earnestness as our sincerity in relationships, our honest decision to really be ourselves. In a nutshell, our earnestness reflects our ability to open ourselves up in relationships and put ourselves out there — even if it means revealing our vulnerabilities. It is our conscious decision never to lie about ourselves or present ourselves falsely to those we love.

Part of the process of being in love means that we must let go out our fears and struggles. Love means baring your soul to another person. How do we do this? Naturally, it’s not always easy. The process takes time, trust, and commitment.

Perhaps we don’t open ourselves up right away. In fact, in the beginning, before we really grow to know another person and before we can trust our judgments when it comes to that person, perhaps it’s not so wise to bare our souls without hesitation. But once we decide that we are going to commit, that the leap into a serious relationship is one that we want to take, then we must also take the leap of faith and relinquish any fear we might have of being completely vulnerable.

In fact, by choosing the path of dishonesty we cause irrecoverable harm to our relationships, particularly if the other person has instilled their trust in us. Dishonesty can be as simple as holding a part of yourself back from a partner  or keeping secrets from a partner while knowing that it will ultimately impact the relationship. Have you ever known the feeling of discovering a secret about someone you love, a secret that they had held back from you? Didn’t it feel like a betrayal?

Choose the path of honesty in relationships. In your quest to build a legacy with your partner and loved one, start off on the right path. The decision to be honest in all things we do will not only benefit our relationships with our loved ones, but is valuable tenet that benefits all our relationships in general, including our relationships to ourselves. Never forget the importance of being earnest.

photo credit: hamed masoumi

By Juliet Ohai

First date jitters are the worst. Letting your nerves get the best of you can lead to a number of absolute first date blunders: talking too much, saying weird things, saying things you don’t mean, sweating profusely, blushing constantly, stammering, being creepy… the list goes on.

One of the absolute worst things that can happen to you as a result of first-date jitters is not saying anything at all. Contributing to the conversation is something you absolutely have to do if you go on a date, and if conversation halts to a stand-still, both parties need to facilitate conversation to keep it going. Saying yes to a date is like signing a contract, agreeing, “As long as you aren’t some sort of twisted, loathsome supervillain, I will do my best to talk to you for the duration of our date.” But talking — even rote, mundane, smalltalk — isn’t always easy, particularly if you’re nervous.

So we’ve come up with some talking points for you, to use as a prompt when conversation starts to dry up. Don’t get flustered! Remember, this date is in your hands. Remember these prompts, and never have a silent, awkward date ever again.

Day to day activities

• Ask your date what they did that day. Did they have a good day?
• How was work? Are you doing anything interesting or exciting at the office?
• Did your date do anything fun over the past week or weekend? Ask how their week went.

Personal history

• Where is your date originally from?
• Where did your date grow up?
• Where did your date go to college (if so)?
• How many brothers or sisters does your date have? Asking about family is always a good resort. Ask what it was like to grow up in the kind of family they grew up in.

Personal tastes

• Asking about music is always a good call when you run out of things to say. Ask what kind of music your date enjoys.
• Movies are safe talking territory. What was the last movie your date saw?
• Books are safe too. Has your date read a good book lately?
• What kind of food does your date enjoy? Talking about food is great because you might be able to casually slip in plans to have a second date. “Oh, you enjoy ____ food? I know a great place…”

Goals and passions

• Try to find what it is your date is passionate about. What are some of their interests? Do they have any passions/hobbies that they spend a lot of time working on?
• What are some goals they have for their life or career?

Local questions

• If you’re dating a person in your local area, it’s great to ask them some local questions, like where do they go for fun?
• What are some of your date’s favorite restaurants or bars? You can always ask, “Have you ever been to _____ yet?”
• What is your date’s neighborhood like, if they live in a different neighborhood than you?
• If you like the great outdoors, talk about fun outdoor activities available to you in your local area.

Random life questions

• Where has your date traveled and where would they want to go one day?
• If your date was stuck on a desert island, what 3 things would they bring?
• How would your date describe themselves in 3 words?
• What’s one thing your date has never done, but which they’d love to do one day?

Don’t ever let first date nerves take away your tongue. It’s okay if you don’t say much, but you can’t say nothing at all. So keep some of these prompts in mind next time you feel tongue-tied on a date!

photo credit: eyeliam

By Juliet Ohai

Men like to complain that women are complicated. But, just because people — including women — are complicated does not mean that our lives are devoid of any universal rules or natural laws that govern aspects of our behavior. Men and women are vastly different, but we are all governed by basic social rules and norms. The purpose of this post is to help men talk to women more naturally and casually by understanding a few simple tips.

The thing women expect, more than anything else, is your respect.

As a man, you should always treat women with respect. That means, no rudeness, no insults, no inappropriately sexual comments.

Do not objectify women.

I’ve seen some of the emails that get reported on Zoosk for being inappropriate, and frankly they shock me. Why would it ever be okay for a man to email a woman he’s never met before, commenting on intimate aspects of her anatomy? Are you her gynecologist?

Misogyny will not get you dates.

This point is self-evident.

Take compliments to a cerebral or emotional level, not strictly a physical level.

Women are generally more flattered by compliments about her intelligence, her kindness, the worth of her personality, than comments about her physicality. Telling a woman that you find her interesting is worth a thousand compliments about her looks.

Never comment positively on another woman’s looks around the woman you are trying to woo.

This is basic sense. Even if a drop-dead gorgeous supermodel walks across your path while you are with your sweetie, you should avoid mentioning it to your sweetie. Never tell your sweetie that you find another woman more attractive. Not even a woman in a magazine. Trust me.

Half the struggle of talking to women is just to keep talking.

I’m not saying you should talk non-stop without giving her a chance to speak. I’m saying that the biggest struggle is not to run out of things to talk about. You don’t have to say the most interesting things in the world. You just can’t say nothing.

When in doubt, ask about a woman’s tastes.

People love talking about themselves. If you feel at a loss of things to say around a woman, ask about her tastes in things. What kind of music does she like? What’s her favorite movie? Does she have a favorite book? If you need to, write these topics down in advance.

Don’t come across as arrogant.

Women hate it when men come across as arrogant, or as if they’re trying too hard to impress. I don’t know why men ever think it’s a good idea to be macho around women. The kind of bantering that happens between guys isn’t the same as the kind of communication that occurs between a man and a woman.

Don’t come across as too self-deprecating. Confidence is sexy!

A little bit of self-deprecation is cute, but if all you do is sit around expressing your insecurities… it’s a definite turn-off. Confidence is sexy.

Don’t give up the power too easy. But give it up eventually.

Here’s a big tip. Women like a little bit of a power struggle. We like it when guys play hard to get! Don’t make it too easy for us. BUT, we hate it when you start playing games. We love a bit of a power struggle, but games are for children.

Don’t push women into anything physical too quickly.

When you’re first getting to know a woman, don’t take the relationship into physical territory until you’ve established your parameters. Respecting a woman means letting her decide her comfort level when it comes to getting physical — NOT you dictating it for her.

Women love talking about their feelings.

Most women out there enjoy discussing their feelings. Asking her about her feelings is a great way of letting a woman know that you care about her and that her feelings matter to you.

DO be the sweet, charming man that every girl wants.

Pay attention to these basic rules, and be just that.

photo credit: alaskan dude