What makes a successful online dating profile? At a recent Zoosk event in NYC, we caught up with Laurie Davis, online dating coach and founder of eFlirtExpert, to get the skinny on what makes a particular online dating profile stand out among the rest. Watch ZooskTV and learn!

Produced and directed by Juliette Tang.
Edited by Gairo Cuevas.
Music: “Follow” by R2D2, protected by a Creative Commons attribution license.

Among the ways the Internet has bettered our lives, we now have online dating and easy access to good information. Concerning online dating, Zoosk has the bases covered. Concerning information, well, if we don’t know who founded the Grand Duchy of Lithuania, someone else does.  But we want online dating to be a complete experience and to ensure that Zooskers have access to dating info from a variety of perspectives. We see it as our responsibility to share some of those perspectives, especially if it’s relevant to dating and love.

Dr. Carol Queen is undoubtedly the person you want to call when you have a question related to sex. We know that sex is an important aspect of dating, so we went to her for advice. We called Dr. Queen up and presented three sex questions we thought might interest our Zooskers, inspired by content from our Community Forums! And she, being awesome, gave us some answers!

How do you reconcile a difference in sexual experience levels?

Does sexual experience matter in determining good sex? (Inspired by this topic).

Carol Queen: It depends partly on whether the more experienced partner treats the matter gracefully, and whether the less experienced partner feels defensive or, for that matter, judgmental. The fact is: experience with other partners is not the same as experience with each other. People are not interchangeable. Each relationship is unique. So even a virgin can teach her or his partner about how different kinds of touch or stimulation feel, things they hope to experience sexually, and all the other stuff that makes us individuals. The mature partner isn’t the one who’s had the most sex, but the one who realizes that the learning starts over every time you meet somebody new. The less experienced partner can make sure s/he has access to sex information in the form of classes, books, or good websites; that way, all new learning isn’t dependent on the more experienced partner. Educating oneself can help level the playing field.

What are some things you can do to avoid the first time jitters so that you can actually enjoy the process of having sex with someone for the first time?

It can take a while for us to get comfortable with another person’s body. The first time you sleep with someone can be a nerve-wracking experience. How can we learn to be more comfortable with not only another person’s body but to become more comfortable with our own? Is there anything people can do to alleviate the ‘first time’ nerves? (Inspired by this topic).

Carol Queen: It’s good to be able to communicate ahead of time about likes and preferences, as well as specific needs like safer sex definitions and whose house might be the best place to wind up at the end of the date. Communication is the best lubrication, they say, and though I wouldn’t always trade it for a bottle of lube, it’s definitely good to have both in your bag of tricks! The more comfortably you can talk about sexuality, the more you can, ahem, lay the groundwork for a good time, and figure out (in part) what to expect. This extends into the sexual experience: “Do you like that?” “How do you like to be touched?” and other helpful phrases can keep you both communicative and more comfortable. The other important strategy is something called “sensate focus.” Don’t think: feel. I mean physically feel: focus on the sensations you’re feeling. And sensate focus immediately gives you hints about what to communicate about, because you can tell your partner what feels good or what you’d like even better if you are actually paying attention to the feelings rather than wondering what’s going to happen next. You’ll not just have more comfortable sex, but you’ll have more pleasurable sex.

Do men and women view sex differently? Is it true that men are less likely to develop emotional attachments after intercourse than women are?

Are men really from Mars? Are women really from Venus? We’re told that men and women are different. But how different is ‘different’? (Inspired by this topic).

Carol Queen: Not all men are alike and not all women are alike. Hormones and chromosomes may lend us valuable insight, but in the end, they’re only a small part of what makes us who we are. I’d prefer to answer your question by saying that men and women may tend to develop emotional attachments in different ways or that are characterized by different things (as is a common theme right now: “she wants to talk, he wants to do things to help out”) — but the most important answer isn’t what some, many, or most people do but whether your thinking applies to the person(s) who’s in your life right now. The personal qualities you used to think were about a person’s gender are often true of a cross-section of the population! And that’s a relief to know. Men and women aren’t always as different as people are sometimes inclined to think!

About Dr. Carol Queen, Ph.D.: Dr. Carol Queen is an award-winning author, activist and sex educator with a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality.  Dr. Queen currently serves as Good Vibrations’ Staff Sexologist and Chief Cultural Officer. She has several books in print and her writing has been widely anthologized. Dr. Queens’ work has appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, The Spectator, The Toronto Eye, The San Francisco Bay Guardian, and Playboy. She is the director and co-founder of San Francisco’s Center for Sex & Culture.

ZooskTV is happy to launch our brand new Zoosk interview series! We’ll be talking to a variety of experts in the love, dating, relationship, and online dating fields, to give you relevant advice and useful information on how to get the most out of your online dating experience. We’ll be pushing our awesome videos out here on the Zoosk blog and on Zoosk’s YouTube channel, so be sure to check back soon for new vids. Our first interview, which we are thrilled to present here, is with online dating expert and Huffington Post columnist Julie Spira. Julie chats with Zoosk about why she loves online dating — and she discusses specific things like effective online flirting, texting etiquette, keeping your views in perspective, and how to break the ice gracefully. Anyone interested in meeting their love on the internet should for sure check this out!

About Julie Spira: Julie is a worldwide authority in online dating. Her expert dating advice has appeared in numerous media outlets including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, ABC News, CBS News, FOX News, BBC Radio, Cosmo Radio, Cyberguy, E! Entertainment, Glamour.com, Mens Health, and the Huffington Post. She was named one of the Top 10 Columnists to follow on Twitter, @juliespira.

Interview written and directed by: Juliette Tang
Footage shot and edited by: Gairo Cuevas
Music composed by: Scott Pickering (licensed)

Yay for another Zoosk.com success story!

Congratulations Tiana and Daniel from Columbus, Ohio, for finding each other on Zoosk! Without further ado, behold their adorable love story, sent to us from lovely Tiana herself:

I met my dream man (and hopefully one day my husband) here on Zoosk on Christmas Eve, 2009. I had just gotten out of a 3-year relationship with my daughter’s father and decided to see what Zoosk was about! So I set up my profile and started to get winks and messages. I saw Daniel’s profile and was instantly attracted to him!  He had no shirt on and was covered in tattoos (and tattoos are really hot to me)!

The only problem was that I didn’t know if he would be interested in dating a black woman with two kids, knowing that he had no kids and that I was 4 years older. But I decided to leave him a message and I told him that I thought he was hot and that I loved his ink!  Well the next day, Christmas, I checked my messages and didn’t expect to hear anything from him. But there it was! A message from Daniel telling me that he thought I was a sexy chocolate mama! So that made me smile, of course.

So we started chatting on Facebook. Daniel told me wasn’t looking for a relationship at that time because he himself had also just gotten out of a three-year relationship too.  Neither of us had been involved with anyone for 8 months. He was more looking for a friend and I was okay with that. Since this was over the Christmas holidays, Daniel was in Tennessee at the time visiting family, while I was in Ohio. He told me that he would be coming back to Ohio within a week. He left me his number, but I didn’t call right away. When I finally called, his voice was amazing! We talked on the phone for 2 hours that night, and the next night we talked for 4 hours!

When we finally met, over a week later, our first date was great and simple, just drinks and laughing. Our second date was two days after my 34th birthday, and Daniel showed up with a huge bouquet of the most beautiful flowers I had ever seen! He was such a gentleman! He opened the car door and the restaurant door for me and was just great (and he is still doing that)! Soon his family started wondering who he was spending so much time with and coming home with smiles! So about 3 weeks later (and several home-cooked meals from me) I met his family. His dad took about 12 of us out for dinner and it has been amazing!

Daniel decided that I was wife material on Valentine’s Day! Our relationship is wonderful, so much so that one of my coworkers is already planning OUR WEDDING! I am so glad that I got on Zoosk and met Daniel and his wonderful family! They have welcomed me and my kids into their home, as my family did to Daniel.

And to think it all started with me loving his tattoos and having the courage to tell such a hot younger guy that I loved his ink!  Thank you Zoosk!

-Tiana W. from Columbus, Ohio

In her approach to dating Daniel, Tiana did a lot of things right:

(1) She says that she had “courage” enough to talk to Daniel, and that’s how their relationship started. Zoosk girls, let’s give Tiana a round of high-fives for making the first move.

(2) Daniel and Tiana chatted online first, before talking on the phone, and then they talked on the phone for a while before meeting in real life. It’s a good idea to take things slow in online dating and to make sure you actually have interest in someone before you meet in real life. Getting to know someone online also helps build momentum and excitement once you do meet IRL.

(3) Tiana was willing to let her relationship happen naturally. Both Tiana and Daniel had just gotten out of long-term relationships, so they kept things between them low-key at first. What started as friendship turned into love, and with love, it’s good to be patient and let things unfold naturally. Good things happen to those who wait.

So, Congrats Tiana and Daniel! You’re inspiring to us all. Send us your wedding pictures

PS: If you have a Zoosk success story you’d like to share about finding true love online, send it over to met [at] zoosk [dot] com and we’d love to feature your story on our blog! Best of luck, Zooskers! <3

Another Zoosk.com online dating success story!

We’d like to extend an enormous congrats to Anne and Harry from West Lothian, UK! Anne found love on Zoosk and her online dating success story is adorable. Here’s what Anne had to say:

Hi! Just a short story about finding my love. I would never have believed it would happen to me! And in just the matter of a wink! This goes to show that it CAN happen… I was very lucky to find the love of my life in just a few days. He just winked back at me and that was the start of a beautiful love story for us. And he lived 140 miles away… but we love everything about each other and even like same food and also same dislikes. We could not believe it has happened and we both are very happy to tell our story and to let other people on Zoosk know that it can happen to them. Thank you all at Zoosk for bringing us together!

Sincerely,
Anne and Harry from West Lothian, UK

Congratulations Anne! Congratulations Harry! Zoosk loves receiving stories of couples successfully meeting on our site. Have you met your loved one on Zoosk? Send your success story to met [at] zoosk [dot] com and we’ll happily share it! Yippee!

By Jod Kaftan

Lately, I’ve started thinking of some alternative careers.  One that came to mind, after speaking with my friend Amy, is that I could be an inter-species translator. Imagine what help that could be to the online dating community!

Amy was telling me about how she was dating this guy but “didn’t want to take things too seriously.”

“Did you tell him this?” I asked

“Yes! And the great thing is that he feels exactly the same way!”

Uh oh. I didn’t want to burst her bubble. But I had to think of her best interest. They actually don’t feel the same way at all. There are huge differences between what men and women mean when they say this, and in how men and women perceive dating and relationships.

Male commitment-phobes and how to deal with them

Let me begin by shamelessly exposing my own life. The morning after the first amorous date with my wife, she said, unprompted, that she wanted to take things slow. At the time I thought, “Cool, no pressure!” As a male commitment-phobe, it was magic to my ears.  Then she started calling me every night. We started seeing each other every weekend. But in my brute male brain, I was thinking there’s some cognitive dissonance here. Why is she so actively involved if she doesn’t want to take things too seriously and go slow?

This contradiction would have bothered me in most cases if she had been someone who—bingo!—I also wanted to not take things too seriously with. But the truth was I did want to get serious. (Guys: I didn’t tell her this of course until she finally admitted she did as well.) The point is that I realized her saying she wanted to go slow was a kind of defense mechanism. It didn’t mean she didn’t want a relationship. It meant she wanted to make sure I wasn’t a jerk.

When a guy says he wants to take it slow, what he means is…

Now, when a boy says he “wants to go slow” or “not take things too seriously,” he, um, really means it. Actually what he’s really saying is, “I’m not ready for any emotional involvement at all.”  He just wants company. And if you really like him, then you should avoid him. Tell him, “When you’re ready for something real, call me.” Because no amount of a woman’s greatness can make a guy in that state come around. He has to get there on his own—usually through some brutal trial and error.

Be straightforward, ask the right questions

I’m not saying make him sign a contract in blood.  But a simple answer of “yes” to the question “Do you want something authentic?” will indicate that he’s not looking for a hoochie mama.  Now if he says he wants something real but doesn’t call every night, don’t take that as a sign that he’s not interested. He’s probably  trying to appear like he’s not groveling. The bottom line is that love is about taking chances, but by reading between the lines, you can at least minimize your hardship.

The point of the story is, don’t muddle a situation to the point where you need an inter-species translator. Take control of a situation early before things get successively more confusing. Despite a difference in communication, men and women can speak the same language, if they try.

About Jod Kaftan: A long recovering bachelor (some would say “lout”) who decided to make the leap and marry the girl he loved, Jod Kaftan is still figuring it all out–if only he’d follow his own advice. Jod is a contributing editor at the LA Times Magazine. He  has contributed to Rolling Stone, Salon, The Los Angeles Times and the New York Times. Follow Jod on Twitter @Jodspeed!

Besides having all met their significant others on Zoosk, the couples you see above all have one other thing in common. In each of these success stories, the ladies made the first move on their man! Guest blogger Carrie Seim tells the ladies why it’s high time for them to go on the offense when it comes to the game of love.

The old “rules” said ladies had to wait around for their gentlemen callers. The new rules say – how boring is that?

Steal a page from Zoosker Annie’s playbook. The Jersey girl took a shining to Zoosker Paul’s profile. Instead of twiddling her thumbs, waiting for an engraved invitation to love, Annie “favorited” his profile. Paul winked back. And as of January 2, the two are officially an item!

Instead of playing hard to get and letting guys deal the cards, Annie bravely reshuffled the deck. Her Zoosk success story proves that women should stop waiting and start dating!

After all, making the first move looks good on you!

Go ahead, send him a wink

If a lucky guy catches your eye on Zoosk, don’t be afraid to favorite him, send him a wink or toss him a flirt. These low-risk moves can bring big success to your love life. Nothing winked, nothing gained, right?

You’d be surprised at how much men crave compliments, and how seldom they receive them. There’s nothing more flattering than a flirt from a sultry stranger. (That’s you.) So send him a friendly wink. Or give him kudos for the spectacles he’s sporting in his profile pic. Or answer one of his Date Card icebreakers with a compliment on his curiosity.

You don’t have to propose marriage – just give a hint that you’re into him. Then watch how fast he comes running! Nervous that men only want a chase? Not so fast…

Men dig ladies who make a move

“The one thing that always makes me feel like a rock star is when a girl approaches me first,” says 30-year-old Dan from Los Angeles. “It’s that simple.”

Men across the country have told me how attracted they are to women who go for what they want – especially when what they want is them.

Bring it

If there’s one thing guys aren’t short on, it’s overconfident delusion. This can be annoying at times (“I’m the best Rock Band player to walk the earth,”) but it’s a valuable commodity in the flirting field.

So try their tricks. Think about how fascinating, funny and fox you are before you approach a lucky guy. And remember how thrilled he’s going to be to hear from you.

Because really, what are you risking? If for some insane reason the dude doesn’t wink back, well, there are 50 million singles on Zoosk, so there are million more guys to choose from!

No more waiting around for Prince Charming, ladies. Time to find your own glass slipper!

Guest Blogger Bio

Carrie Seim is an alum of the Groundlings Comedy Theatre, where she performs, teaches and habitually abuses her position of authority. Her comedic essay “Outsourcing Love” was recently optioned  for a feature film. Carrie regularly contributes humorous essays and videos to the New York Post and fierce dating exposés to the Tyra Banks Show and BettyConfidential.com. She had a recurring role on E!’s Seven Deadly Hollywood Sins. Carrie’s last name means “farm by the sea” in Norway. In America it means “kitten with a whip.”

By Kate B

Misery Loves Company? Pah! March is National Optimism Month; so let’s do a little “self belief” spring cleaning.

Research has repeatedly shown the power of positive self-talk, but Psychology 101 aside, there is a lot of sense in it, how can we expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves? And this will help your dating self? When you’re single and want to be in a relationship, you may be focusing a lot on what you don’t have: that you don’t have someone to go splitsies on Chinese food with, that you don’t have someone to lift the couch so you can vacuum under it. But let’s not focus on the empty glass.

Instead, look at how full your life is. Look at what you do have: Your health, family members who love you, kind friends, a love for a certain type of music that makes you smile every time you hear it. If you look at all the ways you have it going on, at how full your life is, you’ll feel better about yourself and more confident and ready to offer that wonderful version of you to a relationship. Maybe to get you started our “positive” dating tips from late last year are worth another read… having a positive outlook WILL get you more dates.

What’s your best trick for staying optimistic? What made you realize that perhaps a change was in order? Share your thoughts on optimism in love on our community board.

Photo via.

Sexy singles! Don’t let Valentine’s Day stand between you and your right to party. Zoosk is urging you — begging you even — to take back February 14th. It’s your day too!

Zoosk invites unattached singles the world over to celebrate ‘love 2.0′ by entering our Valentine’s Day Twitter giveaway. And guess what? This party is for singles only.

Participate in the discussion in 3 easy steps:

1. Get on Twitter and follow @Zoosk.

2. After following @Zoosk, send a tweet to @Zoosk and suggest something fun for a single person to do on Valentine’s Day (e.g. “put down Russell Stovers post-haste, then put on leg warmers, & go to 80s night”).

3. End your post with the hashtag “#Zoosk” — this helps us compile them together. You can use the hashtag to read what other singles are suggesting as well.

And yay, you’re done!

After collecting the responses, Zoosk will reveal 3 prize winners on Valentine’s Day: the 3 best suggestions we get for singles only Valentine’s Day fun. For a mere 140 characters of life-affirming Valentine’s Day bon mots, we’ll reward a prize of 700 Zoosk coins (worth $50) and a month of free Zoosk membership. We’ll also publish the winning tweets on our blog, Facebook fan page, and community boards and encourage everyone to follow the three winning Tweeters.

(You might even meet someone in the process.)

So. Get thee to a Twitter page. Send @Zoosk a message suggesting a fun singles only activity for the dreaded 14th of February. If your tweet catches our eye, we’ll make it rain with Zoosk coins — and end that dry spell.

Photo via.

In Bertrand Russell’s celebrated essay, “In Praise of Idleness,” the distinguished analytic philosopher and Nobel Laureate contends, quite rationally, “I think that there is far too much work done in the world, that immense harm is caused by the belief that work is virtuous. I hope that, after reading the following pages, the leaders of the YMCA will start a campaign to induce good young men to do nothing.” And, just for dramatic effect, he adds, “If so, I shall not have lived in vain.”

In response this glorious display of intellect, Zoosk responds most enthusiastically, “Hear hear!”

It appears that the folks at TechCrunch might also believe, as Russell himself did, that “Leisure is essential to civilization.” Could there be a truer truism? Purveyors of romantic leisure that we are, Zoosk is rightfully honored to have made it to the final round of voting at this year’s 2009 TechCrunch Crunchies Awards in a category we are proud to be recognized in: Best Time Sink Application.

But we also adhere to the belief that the pursuit of love is an activity that, albeit leisurely, is absolutely necessary. Plus, leisure is useful too. Sure, you can’t expense a date on the company card or charge it to your place of work as a billable hour, but the time you spend looking for love is fully compensated, at the end of the road, when you find it. So while some time may sink during the quest, that time will be worth it when you get to your final destination. Think of it as a potentially long flight that just happens to take off and land at the exact same local time, just in different time zones.

So remember, everyone, vote for Zoosk! “Each person is invited to vote once per category per day through Wednesday, January 6th at midnight PST. Once you cast a vote in a category, you are able to share your vote through Twitter and Facebook.” Put a little bit of work in for Zoosk by voting every day until January 6th, and we’ll ensure you get the best time sink application the web has to offer for as long as your heart desires. XO.