By Juliet O

You know in those beginning stages of getting to know someone (whether in real life or online) when you know you like this person but you’re trying to figure out if they like you? You don’t really know how they feel 100% (plus you’re shy) so you don’t really want to start talking about being “in a relationship”, plus you don’t know how to bring up the topic in the first place without being the weirdo who brings up the topic in the first place. Right? How existential and circular. I feel like I’m in a Charlie Kaufman screenplay. But seriously, how do you talk about relationships without talking about relationships? Specifically, how do you say things like “I want to be in a relationship with you but let’s talk about it” without sending out total creep or stalker or crazy person vibes?

Through my extensive first person research and years spent analyzing this very topic exactly, I know of some great methods for talking about relationships without talking about relationships. There are ways, as counterintuitive as it seems, to bring up the relationship chat without explicitly bringing it up. I suppose some people would view this as a failure of communication, but I think of it more as “communicating subtly” (i.e. self preservation). For the shy ones out there, here’s how you do it.

Talk about love, vaguely and generally.

What better way to segue into the relationship chat than to talk about love? Rather than being all “So what are we?” you can simply talk about your feelings and hopes and desires. This is an ingenious way to talk about a potential relationship, because you can give very concrete and specific opinions you have on love and then ask for affirmation or denial. If you get affirmation, great, perhaps you have more courage now to move forward and explicitly state your wants. If you get denied, then you know that you should probably stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and move on. Like? “They say that the moment you meet someone you realize you could love, you know it. Do you agree?” Hint.

Bring up a scenario in a movie/novel/play/music video that mirrors your situation.

There are millions of instances in popular culture where this very emotional conundrum appears. Uncertain love is everywhere, so find a situation that sort of mirrors your own and bring it up and see what your person has to say. For instance, if I was totally in love with my friend but he didn’t realize it, I’d bring up the movie Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) and say something to the effect of, “I feel sort of like Mary Stuart Masterson’s character in that movie.” And then I’d look at my guy and see if he starts shying away uncomfortably or if he looks into my eyes and tells me that he wants to be with me forever.

Make your person listen to a really romantic love song, inch closer to them, and see how they respond.

This one works every time. So you are feeling crazy romantic toward someone but you’re sort of getting mixed signals and you want to see once and for all if they’re into you that way or just want to be friends? Pop a love song (something super cheesy like “True” by Spandau Ballet) while you’re alone together, sitting on the couch maybe, and then move closer to them and see what happens. Maybe you should make an entire playlist in case things start going really, really well. If they’re not into you, they’ll get awkward and move away. If they’re into you, they’ll put up with your advances, and then who knows what will happen.

Talk about past relationships, but not in a nostalgic way.

If you really want this thing you have with someone to turn into a relationship, another way to bring up the relationship chat is to talk about past relationships. Talk about how your relationships developed, how you knew it was love, what you did in the beginning of that relationship when things were uncertain, and then cautiously move the conversation toward your situation with this new person. Again, if they’re not having it, they’ll change the subject and you can move on with your life. If they start talking to you about their relationships in return, this is perfect timing to bridge the topic of the possibility of a new relationship, between the two of you.

Talk about how you want to avoid dating people who aren’t on the same page as you.

If none of the above approaches sound like they’ll work for you (like if your person is totally dense and doesn’t respond well to hints), then maybe you need to be more direct. How can you be more direct without being entirely direct? Why not just bring up how you hate people who string you along or lead you on and then look at them accusingly? This approach might not work for everyone, but it’s sure to bring the skeletons tumbling out of the closer if your person is really, in fact, leading you on. Who, if they are leading someone on, can stand there innocently as someone is essentially going off on people who lead people on, and then staring accusingly?

I hope these tips help. Obviously the best advice is just to be direct, but I understand that it’s not always easy and sometimes we need a temporary crutch before we go back to being the honest, earnest people we are.

Photo credit: zabara_tango

By Juliet Ohai

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines the word earnest as:  “a serious and intent mental state”. What does earnestness mean in connection to our personal relationships? We can view earnestness as our sincerity in relationships, our honest decision to really be ourselves. In a nutshell, our earnestness reflects our ability to open ourselves up in relationships and put ourselves out there — even if it means revealing our vulnerabilities. It is our conscious decision never to lie about ourselves or present ourselves falsely to those we love.

Part of the process of being in love means that we must let go out our fears and struggles. Love means baring your soul to another person. How do we do this? Naturally, it’s not always easy. The process takes time, trust, and commitment.

Perhaps we don’t open ourselves up right away. In fact, in the beginning, before we really grow to know another person and before we can trust our judgments when it comes to that person, perhaps it’s not so wise to bare our souls without hesitation. But once we decide that we are going to commit, that the leap into a serious relationship is one that we want to take, then we must also take the leap of faith and relinquish any fear we might have of being completely vulnerable.

In fact, by choosing the path of dishonesty we cause irrecoverable harm to our relationships, particularly if the other person has instilled their trust in us. Dishonesty can be as simple as holding a part of yourself back from a partner  or keeping secrets from a partner while knowing that it will ultimately impact the relationship. Have you ever known the feeling of discovering a secret about someone you love, a secret that they had held back from you? Didn’t it feel like a betrayal?

Choose the path of honesty in relationships. In your quest to build a legacy with your partner and loved one, start off on the right path. The decision to be honest in all things we do will not only benefit our relationships with our loved ones, but is valuable tenet that benefits all our relationships in general, including our relationships to ourselves. Never forget the importance of being earnest.

photo credit: hamed masoumi

By Juliet Ohai

Men like to complain that women are complicated. But, just because people — including women — are complicated does not mean that our lives are devoid of any universal rules or natural laws that govern aspects of our behavior. Men and women are vastly different, but we are all governed by basic social rules and norms. The purpose of this post is to help men talk to women more naturally and casually by understanding a few simple tips.

The thing women expect, more than anything else, is your respect.

As a man, you should always treat women with respect. That means, no rudeness, no insults, no inappropriately sexual comments.

Do not objectify women.

I’ve seen some of the emails that get reported on Zoosk for being inappropriate, and frankly they shock me. Why would it ever be okay for a man to email a woman he’s never met before, commenting on intimate aspects of her anatomy? Are you her gynecologist?

Misogyny will not get you dates.

This point is self-evident.

Take compliments to a cerebral or emotional level, not strictly a physical level.

Women are generally more flattered by compliments about her intelligence, her kindness, the worth of her personality, than comments about her physicality. Telling a woman that you find her interesting is worth a thousand compliments about her looks.

Never comment positively on another woman’s looks around the woman you are trying to woo.

This is basic sense. Even if a drop-dead gorgeous supermodel walks across your path while you are with your sweetie, you should avoid mentioning it to your sweetie. Never tell your sweetie that you find another woman more attractive. Not even a woman in a magazine. Trust me.

Half the struggle of talking to women is just to keep talking.

I’m not saying you should talk non-stop without giving her a chance to speak. I’m saying that the biggest struggle is not to run out of things to talk about. You don’t have to say the most interesting things in the world. You just can’t say nothing.

When in doubt, ask about a woman’s tastes.

People love talking about themselves. If you feel at a loss of things to say around a woman, ask about her tastes in things. What kind of music does she like? What’s her favorite movie? Does she have a favorite book? If you need to, write these topics down in advance.

Don’t come across as arrogant.

Women hate it when men come across as arrogant, or as if they’re trying too hard to impress. I don’t know why men ever think it’s a good idea to be macho around women. The kind of bantering that happens between guys isn’t the same as the kind of communication that occurs between a man and a woman.

Don’t come across as too self-deprecating. Confidence is sexy!

A little bit of self-deprecation is cute, but if all you do is sit around expressing your insecurities… it’s a definite turn-off. Confidence is sexy.

Don’t give up the power too easy. But give it up eventually.

Here’s a big tip. Women like a little bit of a power struggle. We like it when guys play hard to get! Don’t make it too easy for us. BUT, we hate it when you start playing games. We love a bit of a power struggle, but games are for children.

Don’t push women into anything physical too quickly.

When you’re first getting to know a woman, don’t take the relationship into physical territory until you’ve established your parameters. Respecting a woman means letting her decide her comfort level when it comes to getting physical — NOT you dictating it for her.

Women love talking about their feelings.

Most women out there enjoy discussing their feelings. Asking her about her feelings is a great way of letting a woman know that you care about her and that her feelings matter to you.

DO be the sweet, charming man that every girl wants.

Pay attention to these basic rules, and be just that.

photo credit: alaskan dude

by Juliet O

While text messaging is generally seen as pretty unromantic, it can actually be a very useful dating tool. A self-identified text message addict, I believe that, when done right, text messages are actually useful in the beginning states of building a relationship. Think about it: texting allows you to have a constant stream of communication with an individual that you are seeing — not as an alternative, but rather an addition, to calling — an added-value to traditional phone conversation. Specifically, I love getting text messages from people just to say “good morning” or “good night”. A basic “How are you” or a “How is your day” text message is a nice, welcome interruption in the middle of a day. Sometimes, the simplest text messages can seem the most romantic. Something as seemingly mundane as an “I’m thinking about you” text message can be an incredibly sweet gesture, and when used correctly, a well-crafted text message can put butterflies in your sweetie’s stomach and stars in their eyes.

So what are some basic rules to follow by, when exchanging text messages with someone you meet on Zoosk? Here’s some textiquette guidelines, tailored from an online dating perspective.

We consider texting to be second base.

Don’t run to second base until you’ve passed first. What’s first base? First base is the initial phone call. Don’t let your first phone interaction with someone be based on texting. That’s just lazy. Texts are great in addition to calling, but not as a replacement for calling, and are NO substitute for hearing someone’s voice for the first time, or for having a real, substantial phone interaction.

Whoa, slow your thumbs quick draw, and wait patiently for a response.

One of the worst things you can do when texting is to send a string of messages in succession, before getting a response. “Hey what’s up?” “Hello?” “Where are you?” “What’s up? ” “You there?” UM, slow down crazy! She was just at the gym, and she gets back to the locker room, opens her phone to check her messages, and sees 15 messages from you in the span of an hour asking what she’s up to? Yeah. That’s what we call “textorrhea”. Plus stalking.

Don’t be a Textasaurus Rex — aggression isn’t appreciated!

Guys and gals, do not be super aggressive when texting, particularly if its sexual aggression. It’s not okay to send explicit texts UNLESS you’ve spoken clearly about this before with the person that you are seeing and have established the parameters. Your date is not a poor defenseless prey that you can pounce upon like some scary fanged predator armed with a phone.

Drunk + Texting = FAIL.

“HJey, arf youu awkae?” is not an appropriate text to send someone at 3AM after you’ve had a few too many vodka sodas. You can ruin a good thing by drunk texting, so the best option, if you turn into a crazy texting machine after you’ve input too much booze, is to simply give a trusted friend your phone and tell said friend to, at any cost, keep that phone out of your hands.

Wot RU up 2 UR HOT!! xoxo  –> Vomit.

You might have a personal dictionary, inside which language is subjected to the abuses of your imagination, but there really is a proper way to spell things, and abbreviated emoticons is NOT it. Texting is not that difficult. You aren’t asked to compose a dissertation on metaphysics. Use grammar. Please. And proper sentence structure. At least try to speak the Queen’s English.

:/ ^_^ = Use in moderation.

I like emoticons. But I start to question people when every single text they send me ends in a smiley face. C’mon. Emoticons are all good and well in moderation, but it can be really easy to go overboard with them, and coming across like a 12 year old is not an attractive quality in adults.

Texts are short. Please check your spelling. It’s not that hard.

The least you can do, in a text message that probably spans the course of 3 sentences, is check your spelling. It’s not like you’re being asked to proofread someone’s novel. If it takes 20 seconds to make sure you spelled the conjunction of “you are” as “you’re” and not “your” then I’d say it’s worth it.

If you’re going to booty call, at least have the consideration to CALL.

Booty calls are bad enough, but when you start booty texting “hi sexy, wanna come over?” you know you’ve REALLY reached a low point in your life. Just don’t do it. If you still refuse to listen to me, and absolutely cannot abstain from the loathsome habit of booty calling, at least have the decency to booty CALL, not booty TEXT. As gross as an actual 2AM call with the intent of hooking up is, a 2AM text is even worse.

Stalking via texting is a no no.

I don’t really need to get into this. Stalking is gross, and it is also illegal. Don’t stalk via text. “Where are you?” and “Why aren’t you responding?” sent 20 times in succession can lead to a restraining order.

DO wait in between texts.

Come on. Play hard to get, at least a little! Wait 20 or 30 minutes before firing off a response text message. You are busy and important. Now, repeat after me, “I am busy and important”.

DO give people plenty of time to respond.

Give people time to respond before shooting off a text piggybacking off your first text. Who knows? Maybe this person is somewhere they can’t get reception, or they’re at the gym, or they’re in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean for a day. In any case, you need to be patient and wait for them to respond. Why? Because adults have patience. And you are an adult.

DO send flirty texts.

Text flirting is great! But in text flirting, try to keep the subject PG, at least at first. If you’re into “sexting,” make sure you establish with your date that they are okay with dirty texts before you start sending them stuff that might send them running for the hills. Keep banter light, friendly, and strictly SFW (safe for work) at first. Feel around and get a sense of where your partner stands, before treading into kinkier waters.

DO send text pictures. Just DON’T expose your body parts in them.

Depending on your cellular plan, you might be able to send and receive text pictures. I love getting sent pictures via text. I often send my friends random photos — of food I’ve ordered at restaurants, funny signs, cute clothes in a window display, or whatever I happen to be passing by at the moment that might be of interest. These are great pictures to send via text, especially to someone you’re dating to instigate a heavy flirt session. However, do NOT send people pictures of your body parts. 1) You can’t trust people not to upload that stuff onto the internet, not in this day and age. And 2) even if the person doesn’t upload your nude photos online, they will certainly, at the very least, show all their friends. Unless you want your exposed nether region shown to a room full of laughing people, keep what’s in your pants, in your pants, and away from flashing cameras.

photo credit: magic_quote

By Juliet O

Being a flirt, online or IRL (in real life) takes a certain level of finesse. Some people are naturally charismatic, effortless flirts. Other people become successful flirts by learning the tricks of the trade through trial and error. Others flirt minimally or not at all. We use the term “flirt” very loosely. When we say flirt, we do not mean cheesy compliments and canned pick-up lines. Saying something like “there is a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them” is not flirting with another individual. That’s just flirting with disaster.

By flirting, we mean the art of witty and spontaneous banter. By flirting, we mean using dialogue and conversation to attract people to you, engaging with people in a light-hearted, fun, easy, and graceful way to bond with people romantically. With the medium of online dating, success necessarily involves utilizing the written word (i.e. your online flirting ability) as a social skill.

Composing a dashing and coquettish email is not as difficult as it seems. Just as there are tips and tricks with flirting in real life, there are rules (and shortcuts) with flirting online. So how do you turn your drab little “Hi, my name is…” email into a sparkling, enchanting, tantalizing series of bon mots sure to send any reader into throes of ecstatic bliss? Harness all your writing ability, and get ready to become a veritable Lord Byron, because it’s not as hard as it seems. Here are some tips on how you can use your pen as Cupid uses his arrow, piercing the hearts of everyone around you with the undeniable magnetism and sublimity of your belles-lettres.

Do not be tempted by the easy compliment, the waiting cliché

It’s too easy, too cheap, to fall prey to the easy compliment and the ready cliché. It’s like giving someone a ready-to-wear email when you can easily whip up some homemade haute couture. Think about it. For this foxy individual whom you’ve set your eye on, getting another email that simply says “you’re a hottie” or “hey what’s up” is probably about as exciting as breathing. They’re so used to it, they barely notice it anymore. If you choose to compliment, dole out a real beauty, something you’ve thought of and created just for the person. It doesn’t have to be beautiful poetry. All it has to do is not be the same old boring crap this person hears day in and day out.

Metaphors and similes, when used in moderation, are your friends

We are given this thing called language. We should have fun with it! Language serves the purpose of communication, though in the process, we can take all sorts of liberties with it to save it from the abuses of everyday speech. Like, for instance, we can use metaphors and similes. Though it might not be readily apparent at first, the use of metaphor is rife in the arena of the flirted word. Here’s an example. “Guess what my shirt’s made of. Boyfriend material — just like me,” as silly as it is, is stretching the metaphor of shirt –> boyfriend material –> person who ostensibly wants to be a boyfriend. A great prompt for a possible metaphor or simile: “You make me feel like…” or “Around you, I become…”. Try it out for yourself. You make me feel like I’m finally home. Around you, I become aware the depths of my own heart. Hey, it’s not so hard!

It’s not the size that matters, but how you use it

A sonnet, not a novel. Keep your responses short and sweet — at first. Later on, beautiful articulated, 17-page epics are encouraged. At first, however, you always want to make the person you’re trying to attract lust for more. Give an inch (of prose), they demand a mile. I’m not a proponent of 2-word responses, but a short, 2-paragraph letter where each word is measured (and no words are wasted) is the online equivalent of a brief conversation that ends too soon and leaves you starving for more. There’s no shame in being coy. After all, isn’t that what flirting is all about?

Don’t reveal too much too soon — mystery is fuel to the fire

In due course, everything will be revealed. If you date someone, they will eventually find out everything about you (the good, the bad, the ugly, and the sublime). Skeletons will eventually tumble from your closets, so there is no point in disclosing your whole life story too soon. In the art of flirtation, evocative and mysterious statements are the word of law. Your desirability quotient is (at first) at least partly contingent on your ability to evoke a sense of enigma about your persona, to not talk too much or spill too much about yourself in the beginning in order to sustain your date’s sense of interest in you over time. In no sense am I advocating secrecy or lies — it’s important to be honest all the time, less important to disclose information about yourself unprompted and unprovoked. Wait until you are asked, before you spill the beans.

Everyone loves a funny person

You don’t have to be the class clown of Zoosk, but a little humor never hurt anyone, particularly when used pointedly to attract a mate. Even if it goes against everything you believe, at least try to lighten up and make a joke (think of it as a thought experiment). Humor is like a jolt of charm. Who doesn’t love to laugh? While there is no easy lesson on how to be funny, the best rule of thumb is to try to make it sound natural and situational. Make jokes if it is relevant and applies, but don’t make stupid jokes for no reason (you’ll come off as a ‘try hard’). This is not to say that you need to take lessons on stand-up comedy in order to date someone. Rather, I’m suggesting that you attempt to see the humor in situations and let your natural humor shine. Everyone out there has a sense of humor. We just have varying degrees of comfort in showing it.

photo credit: carbonnyc

By Juliet O

“Take it slow” is probably the single best piece of relationship advice that people never seem to want to hear. Like relationships in real life, online relationships can also move way too fast. And I don’t have to remind you about the story of the turtle and the hare. There are many reasons to take things slowly on Zoosk, but the biggest reason is also the most obvious one: you don’t know this other Zoosker yet. And you should get to know them, before you meet in real life.

Reducing the speed at which you barrel toward love, marriage, and mortgage, actually makes dating more fun. Many people claim that the very best time to be in love is at the beginning of relationships, when all the euphoric, mesmerizing feelings of love are at their most intense. Why not prolong that intensity as long as possible? When poets write about love, they are almost never talking about comfortable long term relationships. They write about the dizzying feeling of falling in love with someone and the first stages of blossoming affection. Let the excitement of falling in love last as long as possible! There is simply no need to hurry. What’s the rush? If it’s meant to be, it will be.

A good rule of thumb: learn about your partner online first — exchange messages for a few days — before moving on to the phone. When you’re at the stage where you’re making phone calls, take time out of your day to really connect with one another on the phone. See how long you can talk on the phone. If you can’t even talk on the phone for a couple of hours, how are you going to make it through a two-hour dinner date?

Here are some good rules to follow during any phone date. Use the telephone as a screening device to judge if you really do want to meet this person in real life. It’s good to keep things at the phone stage for awhile before pushing forward to meeting in real life. Jason and Ang, our August success story of the month, is a great example of how this works. They chatted on the phone for almost a month before meeting in real life. Jason says, “We have been talking on the phone for around 3 weeks, sometimes 4-5 hours at a time.  Our conversations are very diverse, and quickly realized there may be something special here.”

And once you meet in person, it’s good to take things slow in real life, as you have been doing online. Even if you feel you know this other person from chatting with them online and on the phone, it’s a good idea to get to redo the getting-to-know process with them in real life, before becoming physically or emotionally intimate with someone you meet on Zoosk. First, there are the obvious safety concerns. But it’s also just good practice in dating to really learn about a person before inviting them into your heart. Your heart is a special place. Save it for the ones who truly matter!

So, we all agree that taking it slow is a good thing. But generally, it’s easier said than done. What are some easy tips to follow, when you feel things are moving too quickly and you want to take a step back?

1. Communicate.

Wanna cool the acceleration? Simply say so. You should always feel, in any relationship, like you can address your own needs. Should you feel that things are moving too quickly for your liking, you need to pipe up and say so. Any partner worth having will listen and immediately take your feelings into consideration.

2. Keep things light.

There are lots of reasons why you shouldn’t talk about getting serious too early in a relationship, the biggest being that you will probably scare the person away. People do not fall in love at the same pace. Someone always has to say “I love you” first. It’s also difficult to discern, in the beginning, if what you are feeling is really meaningful, or mere infatuation, and it’s always good to marinate in your feelings and reflect on them before taking things to a more serious place.

3. Live in the moment, not the future.

Enjoy the precious moments of your new relationship. Don’t worry about the future! The future will come, and when it arrives, you might even find yourself nostalgic for the past.

4. Never lose your head.

The term “head over heels” is an accurate one, in the sense that people do run the risk of losing their heads when walking, blindly, into a new relationship. Keep your head on straight. Try not to let your emotions control you. In any relationship, you are ultimately in control of your own actions, and to a degree, you can control your feelings as well. Be rational!

5. Don’t try to define anything too early.

Lastly, I don’t know about you, but I sincerely hate the “what are we” conversation. I don’t really believe that people need to know, when they are in the beginning of a relationship, if its going to work out in the long term. As long as you are enjoying yourself now, that should be all that matters. Try not to succumb to the need to define your relation early on. You’ll miss out on all the fun of the relationship if you spend your days worrying about what to call it! Trust!

photo credit: malias

Hurray! It’s that time of the month again, when we reveal the winning couple of the previous months’ Success Story contest. We’ve heard many beautiful love stories that left our hearts fluttering, but the August story that particularly tugged on our heartstrings was sent to us from a Zoosker from Detroit named Jason. He initially sent in this message on August 20, after he encountered a woman named Ang on Zoosk. In fact, he sent us this  success story before he actually met Ang in real life, while they were still just chatting on the phone!

I met someone on Zoosk named Ang who rocks my world.  We have been talking on the phone for around 3 weeks, sometimes 4-5 hours at a time.  Our conversations are very diverse, and quickly realized there may be something special here.  In reality, it is only on the phone, but we are both consistent and honest with each other.  That I do know.  Basically, we found that we are looking for similar things in our life and the compatibility between us is remarkably unbelievable!  We are excited because in 2 weeks I will make the 4 hour trip from Detroit to Cincinatti to meet her and already have the day planned out.  We both admit to being a little nervous, anxious (and all those good things), but it will be a relief to have finally met one another.

The message definitely stuck out to us. It was intriguing, romantic, and hopeful. Here was a guy who sent us a Success Story between himself and Ang, before they even met. That’s some bona fide, honest to goodness faith in another human being. It was as if Jason knew, before even seeing Ang for the first time, that he’d found someone special. The rest of the story will convince even the most hardcore cynic that two people really can meet online and make it work. On September 3, two weeks later, we heard from Jason again.

Things are going great between Ang and I. This Labor Day will be our second date.  The distance between the 2 of us is 4.5 hours, but well worth it from Detroit (my hometown) to Cincinatti.  Our first date was last Saturday.  After 4 weeks of talking on the phone every day for 3-4 hours, we finally met up at one of her favorite parks.  We embraced with a hug, and poor Ang was shaking a little bit.  So I told her, “Everything is okay and will be fine. Let’s have some fun!”  We took a walk on the trail that went around a small lake, did some chit chat, then went out for an early dinner, went put-putting, back to the park for some pictures and more conversation.  The one thing I did notice about Ang was that ‘look’ that she gave me: that stare into my eyes, my soul.  I guess after talking for so long on the phone and being emotionally attached to each other, when we finally met it was a big relief and weight off of our shoulders to finally look into each others eyes.  We held each other hands, hugged, kissed a few times, and we enjoyed each others company and still had that connection that was developed over the phone.  We still talk everyday and send emails to keep the communication strong.  I consider Ang a rare gem, someone who is hard to find, and I feel lucky to have ’stumbled’ across her on Zoosk.  There is no way I will let 4.5 hours stop our relationship because she is one great woman and has so many genuine qualities that I am looking for.  The cool thing about Ang is that we have mutual respect for each other.  The way I feel about her, is the way she feels about me.  How do I know, well, because we tell each other every night!

And to this day, they are still going strong, despite the distance between them. So romantic! We wish Ang and Jason the very best.

August is over, and now it’s September. Have you met your love on Zoosk this month? Found a fun date, a significant other, or a life partner? Hit us up at success@zoosk.com. We’ll select one story from September to feature right here on the Zoosk blog. If your love story is selected, we’ll send you a $100 Amazon.com gift card.

For more Zoosk success stories, read about Thomas and Blondy from Washington state, our success story selection for July. Or Adam and Lauren from Australia, who met on the site and recently got married. Or this story by Patricia from Baltimore, who found her love on Zoosk and regales us with her story of the perfect date. Don’t forget Kelly and Andy, who met on Zoosk in February and got married last month! Congratulations, happy Zooskers. You make our lives complete!

By Juliet O

When you’re out on the town, the ‘art of seduction’ seems relatively straightforward. Basic grooming, eye contact, and physical (even if imaginary) confidence go a long way when trying to catch the eye of that special someone. You’re at a bar, you see someone you like, and after a few drinks you gather up enough courage to strike up a conversation.

It’s pretty simple, really.

When you’re trying to attract someone online, however, the whole equation shifts. You don’t have to dress up or take a shower. You can be on Zoosk while slouched in front of the television, unshowered, wearing a bathrobe with your laptop balanced on a family-size bowl of Doritos, and you might be just as irresistible in this context — alone, at home, stuffing your face in front of the computer — as you are while dressed to the nines in swanky club. In a lot of ways, online dating presents far less pressure than dating IRL (‘in real life’). You don’t have to buy new clothes, you don’t have to put effort into looking good for someone else, and you don’t have to worry about what anyone is going to think. On Zoosk, you can relax and just be yourself.

But even for the experienced, online dating is far from being a walk in the park. Online dating presents its own unique challenges. Like, how are you going to get someone to notice you, when you’re on Zoosk, without relying on the same tricks that you’d use to get people to notice you in real life? On Zoosk, there are many ways to get noticed, and they’re as easy and simple as lifting your finger off the keyboard and hitting a few keys. To increase your date card views and get noticed by the hotties you’re trying to attract, follow these simple tips.

Turn your flabby, out-of-shape date card into a lean, mean, babe-attracting machine.

Trust me, people do notice your date card. Is it properly filled out? Is it specific? Do you have enough relevant information on your card? Are you representing yourself honestly? Did you remember to fill out your interests, including your favorite music and movies? We wrote a blog post a while back which gave some useful advice on how to trick out your date card for all the online hunnies out there. Did you read it? We also gave some advice on creating a date card that doesn’t suck. We are not just chatting for our own sake. There is useful information in these posts. We swear.

Make sweet sweet love to the camera.

You need photos. We’ve already put blood sweat and tears into reminding you to upload real, current, accurate photos of yourself onto Zoosk. Many of you listened, but some of you still don’t have photos on your profile. How are you going to attract anyone with the gray, faceless Zoosk avatar? Unless they have a serious thing for faceless avatars, there is no way anyone is going to contact you for a date without a photo.

“Brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things!”

You should favorite your favorites. When you favorite another Zoosker, not only have you put a bookmark on their profile (so that you can revisit it with ease, later on), you have also alerted them that they have been favorited. When they go to their “Who Favorited You” page (the tab on your Zoosk page that features the double heart icon), your profile pops up. Getting noticed is that easy.

Use the “like” function.

When you “like” items on a Zoosker’s status page, you successfully put yourself in their line of sight. Depending on whether they have set up Zoosk Mobile, they might even receive a text message notification of this — Zoosk provides you with real time, on the spot flirting even when you are offline. Liking is a great way of making yourself visible online, especially for those shy ones who don’t like to make the first move via directly messaging another Zoosker. Not only is liking a form of positive energy and good karma, the more you like someone, the more they will like you back. So pay it forward!

View as many profiles as you can.

Now that Zoosk gives you the ability to unlock your “Who Viewed Me” page, all members, whether basic or premium, have the ability to see the profiles of other people who have viewed their date cards. When you use Zoosk, your profile becomes visible to those Zooskers whose profiles you have visited. Think of viewing others’ date cards like sowing seeds. The more you sow, the more you reap.

Be an active part of the community.
Yo, Zoosker! Holler on the Community Boards! Being active on our community forums is one of the best ways to get noticed on Zoosk. Zoosk has a wonderful, vocal, incredibly participatory community of daters all over the world. While we engineered the dating site and we run all the engineering behind the software, we didn’t engineer our community at all. You guys happened organically. You recognized a solid product, you wanted to meet potential matches online, and you trusted us to give you the hook up that you needed. Somewhere in that process, you came together on the Zoosk community forums and created a close-knit, accepting, open-minded online family. And it’s no coincidence that we notice, with increasing frequency, the number of matches that are made right on the community pages themselves. If you don’t believe me, check it out for yourself!

Wink wink.

If you are interested in a fellow Zoosker, but are not at the point where you want to send them a direct message, why not do the easy thing and click the wink button? They’ll be notified on email, and via SMS if they’ve subscribed to Zoosk Mobile. Winking is kind of hard to do smoothly in real life (sometimes, you try to wink and it gets confused for an odd facial tic) but luckily, it’s much easier to accomplish online.

Be Zoosk’s fan on Facebook.

Zoosk has a super active Facebook community. Have you seen it? Every day, we post updates on our Facebook Fan Page and our Facebook community is awesome about responding and engaging with our posts. Fan us on Facebook, and get noticed by our Facebook fan community.

Carpe diem. Put yourself out there.

For the shy, indirect methods of flirtation are always an option. But for the more adventurous, the best way to get someone’s attention on Zoosk is to pen them a message. We’ve published 5 tips on how to write the first message on Zoosk. Read it, live it, learn it! (Hint: gifting is encouraged).

photo credit: okko pyykko

By Juliet O

… Zoosk is introducing coins to our site! Why coins? Because we like shiny objects, and we like pirates, so it follows logically that our currency of choice on Zoosk would be gorgeous glistening gold doubloons.

Argg matey! So, with coins, (1) what are these pretty little babies, and (2) what can you spend them on? Currently, coins can be spent in 4 different ways, depending on if you’re a premium subscriber or a basic member on Zoosk. Peep this.

A. If you are a premium or a basic member, you can buy gifts with coins — and gifts raise your chances of being responded to by 76% according to our last Zoosk survey. And now, with gift categories, we have tons of new gifts (including naughty ones) and sending them is easier now than ever. Who doesn’t want be surprised by a bouquet of roses, a chocolate covered strawberry, or a hot dog? Frankly, we’d love to get a hot dog.

B. For basic members, coins can be used to unlock conversations without having to upgrade to premium membership. Basic members might have noticed that while they can send unlimited messages to premium members, messages between basic members are locked after the allowable number of free messages is reached. Don’t be greedy — that’s just how it is. The image above shows what happens when basic members have surpassed the response limit with other basic members — you are greeted with a pop up window that says “Your conversation with X is locked.” Before, the only way to continue correspondence once the response limit had been reached was to upgrade to a premium account. Now, you can send infinite responses to any Zoosker of your choice by purchasing coins to unlock the conversation. It’s a one time payment that unlocks your conversation until the end of time (literally, until the earth implodes) with that one person. While the only way to unlock all conversations is to upgrade to premium, you can unlock conversations with as many Zooskers as you want — without upgrading to premium membership — by using coins to unlock individual conversations.

C. Additionally, for basic members, coins are used to unlock conversations with people who have ‘favorited’ them on Zoosk. With coins, basic members can view the profiles of people who have favorited them. Favorite-ing (or favourite-ing, for you Brits) occurs when you see the profile of someone you really really like and you want to bookmark it for easy access later. You can favorite people, and others can favorite you. Currently, only premium members have the ability to send unlimited messages to people in their ‘Who Favorited You’ queue. By unlocking the Zooskers in their ‘Who Favorited You’ queue, basic members can then have unlimited conversations with the people they’ve unlocked — without having to upgrade to a premium account. While basic members can always view the profiles of premium subscribers in their ‘Who Favorited You’ queue, they are restricted from seeing the profiles of other basic members, and coins give them the ability to access those other basic profiles.

D. Finally, coins are used to unlock the “Who Viewed Me” functions on your Zoosk date card. In the image above, you see how this works. If you are a basic subscriber, you can check out the profiles of Zooskers who’ve viewed your date card by purchasing 45 coins. To unlock all the profiles, you can subscribe to premium membership. Why should you want to see the profiles of people who’ve viewed you? Notwithstanding the curiosity factor (you can’t see which people view you on Facebook or other social media sites, so Zoosk offers a fun way to see who’s stumbled across your profile), viewing is just another way of flirting. Everyone has been in the following situation: a hottie checks you out at a party or a bar, and both of you are too chicken to make the first move. You then stay up all night kicking yourself for not having the cojones to strike up a conversation. Don’t let this be a habit you take from the real world into the online dating world. If someone checks you out, don’t be shy. Carpe diem! Seize the day. Find out who they are, and send them a message first. Passivity is about as attractive as funky breath when it comes to the art of love.

So, pop quiz. What is the difference between buying coins and purchasing a premium subscription? Coins unlock individual things — like unlocking the profiles of those who’ve favorited you, or unlocking conversations once your free conversation limit has been reached. Premium subscriptions, on the other hand, unlock everything. Think of premium subscriptions as an all you can eat buffet, whereas coins are like dining ‘a la carte’. For basic members unsure about whether to upgrade their accounts to premium, coins are a good alternative to get some premium features at a lower price point.

photo credit: tao zyn

By Juliet O

“Hello Jane!”

“Hi?”

“This is John. From Zoosk! How are you, Jane?”

“Hi! I’m good.”

“So I’m calling you cuz I thought your boobs looked really great in your photos.”

“What?!”

“I mean, I’m calling because I thought we hit it off and–”

Click.

Err… real smooth, John. Now Jane thinks you’re a total creepazoid. Right after she hung up the phone, she went to see if your name was on the national sex offender registry. It goes without saying that this is the type of phone conversation an online dater should do his very very best to avoid. But you already knew that.

While phone conversations seem unimportant, trivial at best, in reality they’re quite the opposite. For online daters, the first phone conversation is just as important as the first date. Why? Because, in the universe of online dating, the first phone convo is the first date. Particularly if you and your potential Zoosk match live at great distance from one another — in which case, phone conversations become a vital aspect of your whole relationship — chatting on the phone is a great way to mentally gauge whether you feel a connection with a person whom you have never met in real life. The phone is also a good ‘in between’ step to take after sparking some initial chemistry online, before making the decision to meet IRL (‘in real life’ for you online dating n00bs).

So you sent a few winks, then you started sending a few messages, and by the end of the week, message volume is at a frenzy and you’re already looking up one-bedrooms on Craigslist? Um, Quicky McDraw, before you rent that U-Haul, you need to pick up your phone. A diamond of wisdom for daters = take it slow.

The first phone conversation you have with a potential match is not just a social formality. The point of the phone conversation is to gauge the likelihood of a future real-life connection, right? We who date online do so with the hope that our online activity will lead to fruition, one day, with a tangible real life romance. The phone conversation should be a part of your personal dateability test (sometimes negatively referred to as your ‘freak location radar’) to judge if a real life romance is at all within the realm of possibility. Talking on the phone with potential dates is a smart use of your time. And your time is precious and ought to be used effectively.

Here are some tips on how to successfully use your phone conversation to determine if a real-life connection does in fact exist — and some tips on how to use the telephone as a way to attract potential matches, once you decide that the IRL step is one you wish to take.

5. The same rules that go for first dates also go for first phone conversations.

Treat this first phone conversation as a first date. Get exited for it! Take a shower beforehand and put your “I’m sexy” jeans (or your “I’m too sexy for my jeans” jeans) and your “I am so getting laid tonight” shoes. We even think it’s okay to drink during the conversation so long as the person on the other end of the line is drinking too. If they are not drinking, you should probably not drink either, unless you are really good at hiding all evidence so as to not come across as an alcoholic mess who can’t even have a simple phone conversation without reaching for the Wild Turkey. The point is, treat this like a real date and take it seriously. Expect that the person on the line will have the courtesy to extend the same treatment to you. And remember: no phone sex on the first date! You are not that kind of caller.

4. Stay calm.

The only really ‘physical’ thing this person on the phone has to go by, in your case, is your voice. And if you get all crazy nervous and your voice starts to tremble, you will come off as a scary, paranoid psychopath — and we guarantee this will make the other person uncomfortable. Trembling voices is a huge giveaway that you are nervous, and nervousness shows a lack of confidence, and a lack of confidence is super unsexy! Staying calm will also give you a clear head to navigate a conversation smoothly and naturally. Your oratorical skills are the first thing to go when you get nervous, and your explosively sexy skills at light banter will go down the toilet if you let your nerves get the best of you. So, simmer down now. Slow and steady wins the race.

3. Take some imaginary conversation Viagra so that you can last longer.

Think of your first phone conversation with your potential match as a bottle of expensive wine that someone just happened to give you, for free. In this case, would you shotgun that shit like a six-pack of Keystone Light during a game of flip cup? Hell to the no! You would savor it slowly, treating every sip like it were ambrosia from the gods! You have the chance to talk on the phone with a person who might end up being the love of your life. You have never met. Don’t you want to savor this moment of poetic blindness and prolong the sweet lingering feeling of blossoming love for as long as you can sustain it? Duh. Don’t jump into an IRL meeting after a 5 minute conversation. If you can’t even last 5 minutes on the phone with someone, how will you sustain a lifetime with them, through thickness and thin, IRL?

2. It’s okay to get personal.

Conventional wisdom says, don’t get personal on a first phone conversation. Conventional wisdom is wrong. We actually believe that talking on the phone is the easiest way to get personal, because you aren’t actually face-to-face with the individual in question, so you have enough physical distance to bridge an emotional distance. So many intimate, vulnerable conversations happen on the phone due to this simple fact. Just think about how much easier it is to ask someone out over the phone, as opposed to in real life! And we also believe that, because you are meeting this person on the internet where you can’t see them in person and have less ‘tools’ at your disposal to judge what kind of person they might be, it’s perfectly okay to compensate by asking questions of a more personal nature. Like, does this person smoke? Does this person have children? Roughly, what is this person’s financial situation like? Ask the questions that you need answered right away so that you don’t have to deal with them down the road, when you have more invested and there’s more at stake.

1. Flirt like it’s your job.

The first rule of a phone conversation is to flirt, flirt, flirt your little butt off. You are ultimately on Zoosk to get dates! And, in general, dates respond well to shameless flirting. Try your hand at charming banter, light teasing, and complements so smooth it’s like you put Astroglide on your phone. If you have questions on how to flirt, get a second opinion. Ask the Zoosk Community. Check out our many community boards, like ask a girl, ask a guy, and best/worst pick-up lines forums, among many more. If you want to learn some varsity level flirting skills, the Zoosk community is the place you want to go. Holla!

photo credit: leorelei